Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
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My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.