Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
What do you hear?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Worth remembering.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Noah was an idiot.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.