100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
You Might Also Like
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Doggies just call it style.
waiting for halloween be like:
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.