If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
You Might Also Like
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old