me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
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I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
crazy
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.