Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
crazy