if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
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I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.