Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
This is I, Robot all over again
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*