priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
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I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Autocarrot sucks!
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”