It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
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therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*