PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
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Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York