The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
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ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
haha same
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit