Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
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I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My teenage children choosing violence