Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
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wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”