80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
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My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Come back with a warrant
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.