Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
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The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Twitter remains undefeated
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
there’s probably a fee though
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
i- i did not expect this
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how