[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
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my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Storm Tropical Storm
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Still cracks me up
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
SPLOOT