There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
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“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics