87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
You Might Also Like
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Not all heroes wear capes…
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Lucky old June.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.