6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
#Caturday
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Good morning, Twitter x
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.