I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
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If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
My dad is at it again
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.