Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
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isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Can. I. Help. You.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Chemical wingman