I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Donkey Kong sommelier
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.