College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.