College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Mornin
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My flabber has been gasted.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD