50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.