Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
You Might Also Like
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.