“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
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HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.