When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
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ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
an airline just for babies.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please