Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”