My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
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Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
HOW DARE YOU
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.