He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces