Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
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Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
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Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”![]()
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
If I ignore life will it go away?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute