Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
every single time
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch