Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
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My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?