WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.