[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*