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The booster protects against what, now?
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
seems like a niche market
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.