I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
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If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
This made me chuckle.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Cannot stop laughing at this
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”