I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.