I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.