i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
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straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.