Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
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I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Mountain Goat : )
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Lmbo
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]