I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
You Might Also Like
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Do not levitate over flowers
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
we all know this pain all too well
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder