Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
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No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.