This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
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a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…