‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
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Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!