[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
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If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*