hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
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Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
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My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
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[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
not seeing the problem
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Finished stitching this today 😇
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a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
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me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
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Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I had to Stop for this
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.