Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.