Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
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There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.