E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
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Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I used to be married, but I’m better now
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
mumsnet is amazing
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.